Getting Unstuck
When we're stuck, or procrastinating/avoiding something we say we want to do, it's often because there is a dissenting opinion inside that hasn’t been acknowledged. In other words, we’re at odds with ourselves.
When I feel this way and can untangle what’s happening, I see my competing needs or desires. That part of me wants one thing, and part of me wants another or is scared, worried, resentful or feeling obligated.
Recognizing these different aspects or parts is essential to move forward with clarity.
Try this out yourself:
Think of a situation where you feel stuck or a decision you’ve having a hard time making. Maybe you've been meaning to buy plane tickets to visit your family for weeks and haven't gotten to it, maybe you feel torn about agreeing to a new opportunity or project at work, or you can’t get yourself to exercise even though you know you feel better once you do.
On a sheet of blank paper, write down:
A part of me wants to ____ (fill in your situation, e.g. "A part of me wants to buy tickets to visit my family.")
A part of me doesn't want to because___ (e.g. "family visits are stressful and deplete my energy.")
Try holding one perspective in each hand, taking a moment to think about each one and place it in one of your hands. Then, holding your hands in front of you, acknowledge them both. By acknowledging them, you are coming from a third place.
See if any calm or clarity around the situation emerges as you separate from and acknowledge each perspective. You might ask: “What is really most important to me about this?” and just see what comes up (without overthinking or needing to figure it out).
This idea, that we have multiple parts of ourselves that can be at odds with one another, comes from Internal Family Systems (or IFS). IFS is a psychotherapy approach that starts with the premise that we all have a number of subpersonalities or parts. This is a normal feature of the complex system of our personality.
Here are some of my parts:
In addition, IFS holds that each person has an inherent capacity to heal themselves (referred to as the Self), which is compassionate, curious, creative, and calm.
IFS is the most effective tool for deep, long-term transformation that I know of, which is why I'm so obsessed with it for myself and my clients. I trained in IFS in 2020, and have been weaving it more and more into my coaching work, as well as my own personal development and just way of seeing the world. I love working this way with clients because it's empowering, fosters permanent healing, and is rooted in self-awareness and self-compassion. Also, IFS can be incredibly imaginative, creative and fun!
To share more about it with you, I’m holding a free workshop to share more about this theory in an experiential way:
[Workshop] Transformation through Compassion - An Intro Workshop to Internal Family Systems
Saturday, April 16 at 9-10:30am PST / 12-1:30pm EST
Held online via Zoom
It’s free and will be fun and interactive!
I hope to see you there!