The Power of Anger

Written By Steph Stern

In my family growing up, it was ok to get angry, to yell, to be in a funk, to slam your bedroom door in fury. So many people, especially girls, learn at a young age that their anger isn’t welcome. But anger was welcome in my home growing up. My mom didn’t want anger to be the domain of men.

Because of this, I can get angry, which has been helpful at times. Like when I had a boss who could get a bit heated. I was able to match him and felt pride in my ability to work things through with him, rather than shut down or freeze like many of my colleagues.

Anger is a powerful and useful emotion. It is a protective force of determination and provides energy for action. Anger might indicate that we need to stand up for ourselves, set a boundary, or say no. Anger can be a righteous anger, acknowledging that something is wrong or unjust.

I imagine my anger as a little girl wielding a huge sword, one at least twice her size:

Even though I can get angry (and even though she's adorable), I am also afraid of my own anger and the harm that this big sword can cause. It can feel fiery and out of control. My anger can quickly morph into blaming and attacking, leaving me feeling disconnected, guilty or ashamed at having hurt others. I've been seeing more and more how much I squash my anger out of a desire to be easy, polite, and not cause any harm or even discomfort for those around me.

I've been grappling with my ambivalence around anger as part of a group project of women writing on anger. I believe in the alchemy of writing to bring wisdom and transformation, but I finished my draft only to see that I’m still seeking a more piercing clarity about healthy anger. I'm still learning to recognize how I diminish both my needs and my anger for the sake of being easy.

Harriet Lerner, therapist and author of The Dance of Anger says:

"Anger is a tricky emotion. It signals that something is wrong but it doesn’t tell us what is wrong or how to approach the problem in a growth-fostering way that leads to lasting change.... Often we march off to battle without knowing what the real issue is, or even with whom the real issue is."


I'm learning to pause before marching off to battle. Then I can examine what the urge to fight was all about, diving under the surface to the underlying needs. Anger is often called a secondary emotion, meaning that it's protecting us from feeling deeper, more difficult emotions like hurt, vulnerability, disappointment, hopelessness or shame. 

Our anger needs to know that we're listening.

When I can connect with that little girl with the sword and calm her, I can then also tend to the deeper feelings directly, all with more self-compassion. From there, I can make a more informed choice.

How in touch are you with your anger? Here are a few things to reflect on:

  • What lessons did you learn about anger growing up?

  • What makes you most angry or frustrated in your life now?

  • In what ways does your anger get expressed? In what ways might it be stifled (perhaps with apathy, avoiding or diminishing it, or directing it somewhere else)?

  • What unmet needs might be hiding underneath?

In today's devastating world of war, mass shootings, and inequity, we need the power, energy and determination of anger. May we all learn to love our anger and tap its power as fuel for change.

"Women have long been denied the expression of healthy anger and protest. Instead, society encourages women to cultivate guilt like a little flower garden. If we’re guilty and self-doubting we stay in place. We don’t take action against our own selves. Many women I see in therapy still feel guilty if they are anything less than an emotional service station to others.

In contrast, our anger can be a vehicle for change.  It can help us to clarify the limits of how much we can give or do in a relationship, and the limits of our tolerance. It can inspire us to take a new position on our own behalf so that an old dance can’t continue in the same way."
 

-Harriet Lerner 

More on anger:

Steph Stern
I help people.
stephstern.com
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